lee-hi.

Tonight, the kids at our orphanage threw me a going away ice cream party. I don’t know that I’ve faced anything harder in my life than what I’ve done tonight, and I know it’s only going to get worse. Saying goodbye is tough. But saying goodbye to people who have adopted you as family and who you have adopted likewise is the most difficult experience.

These children below you have seen pictures of before, but they hold a special place in my heart. They are my brothers and sisters. They have brought joy to my life in my days of being here and been a big part of the reason for coming. They are young, but they are being raised in a home that teaches them Christian values. They will be the future missionaries of Cambodia, the light of Christ to the villages and to the darkened religion of Buddhism that so oppresses this country. They prayed over me before I left, and it was choking to hold back the tears. I didn’t want to cry in front of them. I was strong. I got in the car, and tears trickled down my cheeks. I love them with my whole heart and they know it.

“I’m coming back as soon as I can get the money saved up,” I said to the girls. And they made jokes about me being a beggar on the streets of America….a sense of humor in the middle of sadness. The clung to me all night. I don’t think there was a moment that I didn’t have arms wrapped around me. I have been inundated with drawings they’ve given me. Until tonight, it was only the girls, but at the party, two of the boys had drawn me pictures, too. I always wanted a big family. I hated being a family of four, because it’s square and boring, but now I have a family of 30-something just living 20-some hours away from me.

There is a song that we sing, “Cambodia for Christ”, and I know that Jesus really loves Cambodia. One day, this country will be a country completely for Christ, and these children will be the generation that changes it all. lee-hi, kids. knyom sra line nah.

this is my eldest sister.

the kids praying over me before i left.

still praying…talk about keeping yourself together. so hard!

Cheata and Sina. My little sisters.

Just Joy.

they couldn’t stand still for a picture with matt!

and even the babies join along

Taen’s drawing he gave me before I left.

Lassie! She is our wonderful and beautiful dog!

if i could take home anything, it would be those arms.

goodbye hugs. one of one thousand.

gracias, amiga

Lately I’ve found myself uber emotional. I want to cry at the brink of any moment. Last night, I dreamt of being at home. In my dream, I hated it. I was distraught, disturbed and screaming to come back to Cambodia. I can’t deny that a piece of my heart is being left in this country. Today at the children’s home, the girls were just pouting about my leave, asking when I will come back, telling me to stay. Each day that I go to tutor them, I get a new set of pictures they’ve each drawn for me. They’re really very beautiful. I hope to come back within a year’s time. I don’t want time to go by too fast without seeing these girls.

Sen, one of our staff workers at the children’s home, looked at me and said that he thought God would bless me more than him for coming over and bearing the burden of Cambodia in order to help the people. He just went on and on about how much they loved me and appreciated what I have done.

It dawned on me… I never wanted them to thank me.

In the US, I would do things and expect someone to thank me for what I’ve done. Sure, it’s the polite thing to do, but why do we think we deserve gratitude from people? We all do it. We get upset when we do things for others, and they don’t recognize us for it. Being in Cambodia has taught me how to genuinely do things for people and never expect a receipt for gratitude. Because when you serve others with the full love of Christ, it is a sacrificial, selfless love that cannot be matched.

Be encouraged by this scripture from Philippians 2:14,

“Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain.”

“mama”

It’s just getting harder to leave. Every day it’s getting closer to Saturday. I refuse to pack my belongings, I don’t even think of saying goodbye yet, I don’t want to do my lasts, I just want to treat each day like every day before. Maybe I’m in denial, but you just can’t understand how tough it is.

Today, after I finished tutoring the kids at the orphanage, Matt (the director of the orphanage) was in a meeting so I went upstairs to spend time with the girls like I always do. I love the younger ones, they’re all around 10 years old. They’re so playful and fun, but their English isn’t quite conversational yet. Two of the girls can carry on a good conversation with you, and today we spent two hours just talking about everything. We joked around, we talked about boys, we talked about America. It makes me sad because the girls want to be adopted. They want to have a family and live well. They’re treated like a big family at the home, but there’s something so personal about your own small family.

In Cambodia, Americans cannot adopt Cambodian children, unless of course, you’re Angelina Jolie. I understand part of their reasoning, but it hurts me for the ones that really need a home. For our children at the home, the goal is to raise them to be leaders in the body. Sreimom even told me today that she wants to be a missionary and travel the world. She’s 14 years old and could model for Vogue if she was ever discovered. They truly are being discipled at the home, and if we were to take them to America, they would not be effective ministers of the Gospel in Cambodia.

Today, I told all of the girls I was leaving. Their faces broke my heart. One threw her arms around me and said “please take me with you.”  I just held back tears, knowing that I couldn’t yet let myself go. I’ve really bonded with them. One of the little ones doesn’t let anyone touch her…but me. I’ve built trust with her, and now she climbs all over me whenever I’m around. They all plopped themselves in the floor of their room and drew me pictures. Every one of them wrote the words “I love you” on each picture. The boys and girls have all asked me to stay and be their ”Mama”. That would entail me marrying Matthew, who is better known as “Papa”, which chances of that happening are slim to none, however the children just don’t quite understand. (SIDENOTE: Matt is a GREAT guy, and all the single ladies out there willing to live on the mission field should contact me if interested. He’s 32 and a big kid!) Sreilin, one of the girls, actually told me today that she wanted to intentionally wreck my current relationship so that I could be free to marry Matt. It was hysterical.

Anyway, the arrival day is getting closer, and I am not looking forward to leaving. At least I can leave knowing that to some girls, I was looked up to as their mama for a little bit.

buzz lightyear’s words of wisdom

The days are trickling by. Some slow, some fast. I guess it’s not too bad. I’ve been helping out at our orphanage lately. The kids are learning to read (in English), and some needed some extra help. Yep, that’s my job. Personal tutor. They’re smart. All of them. They just need a little more attention. They’re so cute because they always yell the words… ” AT! CAT! SAT! RAT! BAT!” And their accents… oh my, they are just so cute. I want to take them home with me so badly, but I know they’re at that age where it would be hard for them to go to a place like America and adjust.

Adjusting. I fear it. I’ve heard that culture shock once back from a country is worse than the arrival. Yeah, I’d say that I’ve grown quite accustomed to this slow paced, personal, relational, chaotic way of life. And the chaos, I love it. I was talking with a friend of mine about the chaos of a third world country. We literally learn to thrive off of it, and when things are in order, we’re bored. We’re miserable. We’re unable to adapt to an environment of normalcy. I hate that word, really. Normalcy. It’s such a relative term, solely depending on social norms of the culture. But what I mean is normalcy of the American way.

Our way is wrong in so many ways. I’ve learned how arrogant, impersonal and selfish we can be. Our views on Christianity is a joke. I don’t know a percentage, and I’m just assuming from what I’ve seen for 23 years of my life, but I’m ashamed of the way that most Christians present Jesus to others. We’re known more for our rules than our relationship. Ridiculed for our radical faith rather than respected (in a sense that many “holy rollers” push people away from Christianity, when the way of Christ’s love could draw them in). Why does radical have to be a 24 hour prayer service with people falling out in the spirit? Why can’t it be radical generosity? Radical love?

I’m fearing this adjustment. To my home culture. I want to change it, and I want to revolutionize the way that Christianity speaks to the people. It has been detrimentally displaced, and I want to work to fix it. Mother Teresa said that you don’t have to hit the masses, just do one person at a time. If that’s what it takes. Line ‘em up. I refuse to ever be discouraged and allow the world’s antagonism slow me down from being an explosive embodiment of Christ’s character to the entire world. To infinity and beyond.

mapquest fails me

As many of you know, I’m coming home soon. It will be two weeks from tomorrow that I board a plane in Siem Reap and make my way home to Cleveland, Tennessee. It’s really strange. I’m excited and devestated at the same time. My heart burns for the impoverished nations of the world, for the people that don’t know Jesus and are willing to listen to what you have to say. It different in the US because people don’t want to listen to your words, and even when you try to demonstrate Christ’s love, they undermine your genuineness. Anyway, I will miss Cambodia, but I’ll write more about that later when I’m actually saying goodbye.

So coming home…. I’m not sure what I’m going to do yet. There are many options: graduate school, teaching English in South Korea, getting a full-time job; but I’m just not sure which direction to go. I don’t feel pulled towards one way  more than another. I wish that I could say that I am. I have written about this topic before, but I still need prayer. I need affirmation from God of my next steps. I could easily take a “good opportunity” by the horns and wrestle it down to the ground, but what good would it do if it wasn’t God’s best?

I think so many times we short ourselves of greatness and accept goodness instead because it’s appealing, it’s timely, and it’s easy. It’s so easy to think the first good opportunity handed to you is God’s, because God is good, so we think it MUST be His will, right? Yeah, we always somehow justify our actions with some Biblical reference rather than allowing God himself justify our actions.

If we only had…The patience to wait. The eyes to recognize the right way. The ears to hear the call.

Rather than… A schedule for God. Eyes focused on what is appealing. Selective hearing.

I am entering back into the US soon with nothing. No plan, no job, no money to speak of, no idea of what’s next. I trust that God is going to reveal it somehow. I just wish I’d get a letter in the mail from the big man telling me what to do. Wouldn’t that be easier? God’s road cannot be mapped. I wish I could take my iphone and GPS the next place I’ll go with every twist and turn at my fingertips. BUT….His road is unpredictable. Winding. Curvy. Rocky. Smooth. The terrain is ever changing, and I love it. If our next opportunities could be easily pinpointed and our destinations foretold, what faith and trust would that require?

1 Corinthians 13 says, “All I know is partial and incomplete…” God intended for us to have limited knowledge to develop a relationship with him. We must trust him to love him, and vice versa. He goes on in verse 13 to say “And these things remain: faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.”

May we have faith in Christ’s power. May we have hope in the future. May we love him most by showing him we trust him.

the BORING hot springs

Yesterday we traveled 2 ½ hours from the city to the Poring Hot Springs in Mt. Kinabalu National Park. I’d like to refer to them from this point on as the Boring Hot Springs. The trip up the mountain was a treacherous ride. It was like the Dejavu ride at Six Flags, but it went on for 2 ½ hours. Terrible. For those of you who really know me well, I am lucky to have the wonderful ability of constant carsickness. I was sick the rest of the day.

Climbing up to the hot springs was not worth it. They were not natural rocks like you would think. They were merely bathtubs with scolding spring water flowing into it, and people would sit inside them together. Yeah, a hot tub is nice, but there are bubbles and jets that relax you. This was a disease-infested public bath tub. My feet were the only things that touched the water.

We went on a canopy walk. It was cool, but that’s about it. Overall, the expense for the traveling, the park fee, the canopy walk fee, and the accommodations was a waste. I don’t recommend it. Just go for the hike up Mt. Kinabalu. That’s what really matters.

Let me explain my accommodations. I attempted to upload video footage that I so kindly took of the Boring Lodge, but wordpress won’t let me upload it. Just imagine your favorite concentration camp barracks with a faucet and bucket for bathing inside. Oh, and we can’t forget our friendly giant beetle that greeted us right next to my bed when we walked in. So welcoming. Chelsea and I moved locales to a lesser evil, but still, I fell asleep to death screams from outside. I’m still not sure if it was a cat or a person, but either way, it was terrible.

On my ride back to the city, my driver told me “You know, this place is not very safe to stay.” Hm. No kidding?

Finishing up, I’ll leave you with the words of our taxi man that sent us up the mountain when we left the city “Blessings on your trip and forgiveness of your sins.” So much for the blessing part.

under the sea, darling it’s better…

Today was quite better than yesterday. We went out to an island called Manutik, and went snorkeling and swimming all day. I just love snorkeling. Honestly, people connect with God, themselves and nature in different ways, and mine is anything to do with the ocean and the islands. Maybe I hear God in the breeze, maybe I feel God’s greatness in the mass of water, or maybe I sense the warmth of his love in the hugs from the sun. Whatever it is, it’s my way of reconnecting with God through nature, and I love it.

When we were snorkeling, we saw a lot of coral, but it wasn’t that colorful. We saw some beautiful fish, rainbow, zebra striped, and we even found Nemo! The sun was covered by clouds, but when it came out, it was HOT. I got maybe a little redder than I naturally like, but thanks to my Indian heritage (thanks Mom), it will turn into a dark tan by tomorrow.

Oh, and Jane lead us on this hike through the mountains to get to some really great coral reef. After 30 minutes of hiking, we had hiked in a complete circle over the mountain and back to the beginning at the front of the island. Total waste, but I got my exercise for the day. Also, another sidenote: I caught a Malaysian guy trying to take a picture of Chelsea and me while we were standing on the beach, I happened to turn around and he tried to casually whip his camera the other way attempting to not get caught. Of course, I called him out, and he and his friends burst into laughter. I said “if you want a picture, you can just ask.” So Chels and I ended up taking about 5 pictures with these Malaysian diver guys.

Now, we’re about to head out to hopefully find some sushi. Sigh…. Nothing could make this day more perfect than sushi.

much love.

no big deal, that’s just me feeding a giraffe.

Singapore Zoo’s lake

turtle turtle.

this little guy posed for the picture. so cute!

island of Manutik

Chelsea’s proof of hiking on Manutik

today’s gloomy update

RAIN. I love it and I hate it. We’re staying on the waterfront in Borneo (Kota Kinabalu) right now, and it’s wonderful. There is nothing better than a breeze and ocean air mixed with an afternoon shower. However, that afternoon shower has turned into the day of reckoning for our first adventure day. We’ve been unable to do anything fun because it’s been POURING. Something so good, gone bad.

I met a really cool lady on my flight here last night. A Christian woman that is from Borneo. She helped me actually find a place for all of us to stay last night because we were getting in at 11:00 p.m. with no plan. She told me about Borneo being a very Christian-influenced island. She told me of this revival that started years ago near a place called Sarawak. There is a place called “Prayer Mountain” where the revival took place. People still gather there to pray and seek God, and apparently, many have seen miracles on that mountain. So my little friend was a pretty cool lady.

I’m realizing how it’s difficult to travel with people you really don’t know. It’s definitely a challenge. I’m a very independent person, and I appreciate alone time. In fact, I require alone time. So now, I’m at Starbucks, getting my isolation fix. Without it, I get run down, and emotionally exhausted. I just need time to shut down and turn off for a little bit. I miss my best friends a lot because of this trip. I want to be traveling with them, and sharing these memories with the people that mean the most to me. There is such a challenge of traveling with people you don’t know well. You are constantly learning people’s habits, likes and dislikes, and overall personalities on a trip. I’m doing fine though, and I’m having a good time. It’s just different. New lessons learned every day. I’m learning more about myself and even my personality, which is good.

I can’t wait to be home with my best friends. You know who you are, and I miss you a lot. Wish you were here.

love.

4/11/09

The last two days, I have been in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. I traveled here on holiday with 5 other friends. In Siem Reap, they celebrate their new year during this time. So, we came here on Friday, and have hung out.

Malaysia is an Islamic country, so we have seen many Muslims here. I have to admit something… It’s not something I am very proud of. More of something I corrected myself about. I guess in a lot of ways, I have stereotyped Muslims, especially the women. You see the burquas that the women wear, know how they are mistreated, and then on top of that know they are limited in what they can say/do. I was enlightened, and here’s how…

Immediately upon immigration into the country, we were greeted by a woman dressed modestly with headdress and the whole shabang. Most importantly, she wore a smile. As she stamped my passport, she joked around with Chelsea and me about carrying our house inside of our bags (they weren’t THAT big, honest), and I walked away laughing with her. I got to thinking, what have I made them out to be?

I sincerely felt corrected. They are still humans, with personalities defining who they are, even if some are more stifled than others. In Middle Eastern countries, the women may not be allowed to do as much, but I’ve just recognized that the Islamic religion, even in it’s wrongness, doesn’t ever take away from a person’s characteristics. There’s still a heart, a mind, opinions, love, hate, joy, and sorrow beneath the sheath that covers their heads.

Good lesson. Well learned.

So now, I’m on my laptop on a night train headed to Singapore. I believe we’re going to find an Easter service at an international church in the city. After that, we’re headed to the Singapore Zoo for the rest of the day. Yes, a lot of walking. I honestly haven’t felt this sore in ages. My shoulders hurt from carrying around my big bag, my feet hurt from walking, I’ve changed shoes 3 times and still have blisters in every place possible.

Oh, and did I mentioned we stayed in Shadyville last night? A hostel had a 6-bunk room available for $10/person/night, so we were all over that. Of course it came with breakfast and a hot shower. (Breakfast: 1 slice of bread/Shower: SCODY), and I’m not exactly sure that the sheets had been changed. When we walked in, we found an employee snoozin’ on one of our bunks. Yeah, I made sure he changed those sheets. Don’t worry.

So yeah, tomorrow night after the zoo, we catch a late flight to Kota Kinabalu, the capital of an island called Sabah, Malaysia. It’s also known as Borneo. Right next to Brunei and Indonesia. We’ll be doing all sorts of random activities, snorkeling, trekking, climbing, beaching, etc.

I’ll keep you posted on things. Hopefully I’ll have some pictures.

Love, k

“I am awesome”

I recently made my debut on a fairly well-known website that requires previewing your post before actually being posted. I can’t say that I am proud of it because it was done in jest, but nevertheless, I’m in Asia and someone back in the U.S. of A. saw the post and it was connected back to me through some mutual friends. My reaction? “I am awesome.”

Which leads me to my next point of matter… Narcissism.

Man, I have seen so much of it lately. A lot of these social networks are so narcissistic it’s out of control. We, in our selfish nature, are taking over the world by self-promotion. Twitter… Great tool. Love it. When you’re tweeting 10x a day, I’d say you need a date with some humble pie. I recently read a blog post by someone who has written a couple of Christian books, and he is currently doing a contest via his blog by providing clues that lead to the Big X. What is the grand prize? “A free trip to such and such place and lunch with Yours Truly,”he says.

I will say, I’m a fan of this guy’s books, but when I read that on his blog, I thought, “He is offering himself as a grand prize. Wow.” Who are we to put ourselves up on a pedestal to qualify ourselves as the gold?

I understand the need for Twitter, I love blogging, and Facebook is a wonderful networking/re-connection tool, but where do we draw the line? Has our interest in mass communication driven us to become self-centered individuals? When did we start making our ministry about ourselves and stop making it about the cross? I am personally witnessing the explosion of personal arrogance based on their value systems and beliefs, opinions and theology, success and ideology. We are developing an unhealthy state of mind that says, “I’m right and I’m better.” Or we’re just so self-consumed with what’s going on in our own lives that we want everyone to know.

Again, I’m not bashing these social networks, but why are we using them? To force our opinions on people? To overcompensate for our insecurities? For enjoyment? To help edify the body of Christ? I know these are a lot of questions, but it’s just been driving me crazy lately.

If you’re using any of these, I just suggest (for what my opinion is worth) that you take a step back and really take a look at your intentions for being overly active in social networking….

love,

k