It’s been over two months since I have blogged. I am asking myself why, and the fact of the matter is that I have lost my love to write. I enjoy it still, I long to do it, but I don’t want to do it.  I’ve been inundated with class reading assignments, tests, class, etc so much so that I get tired of sitting. I never want to sit and write or (type) because I’m already spending hours in front of a computer. I would say on average I’m spending 40 hours per week ticking away at a computer (that includes work and school assignments).  If it were just school, no problemo! But, I work 30 hours a week doing something I don’t want to do, working at it to the best of my ability, which requires me to be in front of a computer and not interact with people like I feel called to do. It’s incredibly hard to be fulfilled in a position like that, but I know that you can be used in any situation. So, I try to be a light even to the women in my workplace, even if it is as simple as bringing joy into the office every morning. I miss it. I miss writing and blogging, but I know there is a time to learn. I think maybe right now it is a time for me to learn, to listen, to observe, and not to speak or write. I know God is teaching me something through my withdrawals from something that I love. I’m having to find new loves, life in new things, and enjoyment through other outlets.

I’m still holding on to that love, but I’m accepting this season of my life where I need to listen, even if I don’t have a choice.

I will say one thing, I am a fan of the great “world change” movement that has become a nationwide pandemic, mostly among aspiring Christian leaders, but really all over the US in the twenty-something generation. Of course, I love world relief efforts, the Message, and as Paul would say “bearing the failings of the weak.” I understand that it’s the call of the Gospel, and all (again with emphasis, ALL) Christians are indebted to it. More so than being indebted to it, we should desire it.

 It’s a good thing, this passion for change, but I do have a major concern: the reputation of your witness in your venture to love the world. Many people are completely unaware that they lack the renewed mind/heart that we are to strive to have at all times. Might I remind you that being a servant overseas (and I am speaking to myself, even), spending hours a day brainstorming about your latest idea for change, or developing a nonprofit does not exempt you from the day to day responsibilities to serve everyone around us. I’m not talking about the poor down the street. That’s the “bigger picture”, right? Nope, I’m talking about your neighbor, your friends, your family, etc.

 It is so easy to criticize and to judge, to mistreat and to abuse, and to find yourself excused from daily loving your friends. It hurts to sacrifice, and many of us are missing it completely. We’re not encouraging each other, we’re complaining about what they’re doing wrong. Instead of looking to invest in the people closest to us, we’re looking to find faults. We get too comfortable with our friends and forget that they deserve to be served just as well as everyone else does.

 I started thinking about it when I first read this scripture in Romans 12:17-18, “Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everybody.”

 It’s not contingent upon what they are doing for you and how much they deserve it, because we don’t do to reciprocate. The concept is to always do right in the eyes of everyone all the time.

 It’s so important to reach the lost, hurting, broken and starving, but it’s also crucial that we don’t neglect our own body because each member belongs to all the rest. Don’t ever get so comfortable in your friendships or marriage that you forget to be a listener, a provider, a giver, a lover, an empathizer, a servant and a constant friend.

 We need to be rooted in love so deep that our heart burns for everyone. Not just those in hopeless situations. Our actions in the bigger picture could easily be negated by the friends we routinely interact with. What we do speaks a lot about who we are. All those scriptures about doing good, serving others, loving everyone didn’t just mean the poor or foreign cultures. It meant everyone. And the body of Christ is where we build, create, grow, learn and strengthen.

 So start at with those surrounding you…Be reputable. Be sincere. Be genuine. Be humble. Cherish life in all forms and at all times.

 Yours with love,

k

Recently I read this scripture and it really spoke to me, so I wanted to encourage my two or three readers.   Proverbs 20:24, “A man’s steps are directed by the LORD. How then can a man understand his own way?”

Many times we try to oversimplify our lives. We try to understand everything that happens, but no matter how much we dig or dissect the outcome of situations, the bottom line is: We Can’t Always Understand. It’s God’s plan, and if we’re praying for His will, we must accept whatever we’re given.

Lets just embrace the complexities because God is totally incomprehensible. Our lives are amazingly ordered if we are seeking Him, and we are so lucky to have him as our navigator. So let God do what he does best – create, order, establish, plan, build, guide and direct. Don’t try to figure it out. Just rest in the peace that He is in control.

Recently I have been searching for a church to call “home” on Sundays. Somewhere that both Andrew and I can agree on, since we both equally desire to feel discipled when we are at church. We visited a church in Chattanooga, and really enjoyed the service, however, it’s so hard to get “plugged in” whenever your church is not in your hometown and especially when there is no building to house it, as this Chattanooga church is held in a school auditorium.

I started thinking about the whole “church” idea (i.e. What is church? Is there really a need for a building when even the Heavens are not large enough to hold Him? What is the purpose of going to church?)….  Although this has been a huge discussion among this argument of Jesus being “outside church walls”, I’ve realized the need for a building itself as a place for people to come and commune with other believers. I want to be involved like I used to be, because honestly, there isn’t enough mentorship in my life, and I know I’m young and have a lot to learn about the way of Jesus.

 I’d love to find a place where I feel I’m being spiritually fulfilled, educated, and also satisfied with the quality of the worship/teaching. I have to admit, I’m hard on worship leaders, and I can’t help but to be distracted when something technically goes wrong. It’s not that I want to pick people apart, it just happens and I get easily unfocused on what I’m doing and more focused on what’s going on. Does that happen to anyone else?

Anyway, if anyone finds a place that is not just trying to be trendy and aesthetically easy on the eyes to overcompensate for their lack of relevant Truth (woah, sorry I just got crazy), please let me know. I’m so ready for something real and a place to call home.

Many of you have been telling me to “keep blogging”, and I want to… honestly. There’s just one small problem I’ve encountered: I’m not certain of my blog’s purpose. I guess that I haven’t had the inspiration to write anything that I feel is worth reading. I could write about my life, but does everyone really wanna know about that? (answer yes or no, but I would like you to say yes)

Most of my blogs have been centered around spirituality and growth, but I don’t want to disappoint people if they come to the page looking for new revelations and get my new diet plan. Are you following me?

So here’s the conclusion I’ve come to. It’s important for me to write. Regardless of what I am writing about, I must do it. It’s therapeutic, it in itself is inspirational and reflective, and overall it’s just healthy for me. My blog is supposed to mirror who I am as a person, and I’m not a walking Bible thumper (thank God). I laugh, I love, I have favorites, and I want to include it all on this silly little social network. 

So, I’m gonna try something… and this may be a total flop but I will attempt anyway. I wanna know what you want me to write about. Anything from aspirations to ice cream, my personal and spiritual life, whatever. This is not me being vain and acting as an all-knowing well of wisdom, but I think this could really be a creative way of developing more openness and spark some great conversation. So try me. Anything. Ask away.

I may have just opened Pandora’s Box, but this could be really fun!

As everyone knows, “times are tough” right now. People are losing their jobs, people can’t find jobs, more people than not are struggling to salvage their marriages (Jon and Kate Gosselin *sad sad sad*)… The list could go on and on. Sure, I’m in a tough spot, but so are thousands of other people. I’ve been back over a month and don’t have a job, but seriously, I believe God is in control. I have to be proactive and keep searching, but ultimately, He is gonna work it out.

Despite all the situations that suck right now, we have to recognize that our current situations will bring an awareness to our lives that we tend to neglect when everything is going right. That awareness is God’s concern for us, his children. When we are worry-free, we don’t give God enough credit for the stability He provides. When chaos swallows us up, we appreciate the small drops of hope God rains down.

Let’s continue to search for the good, the small glimmers of hope, the sensations of peace, and the love all around us.  I want to collect every little water droplet that falls from Heaven.

A lot has been going on lately. Well, that’s an exaggeration. A lot of NOTHING has been going on lately. During my free time (which is currently 24hours/day) I’ve mostly been sitting around doing some job searching (failed attempt so far but God is in control), sleeping in, learning to play raquetball, brushing up on my tennis skills, going to the Y, and working on my cooking to expand my menu options.

I’ve honestly been really depressed. It’s begun to seep into every part of my life, and so I’ve been restless searching for answers. Recently, I got one….

Long story short, I’m enrolling in graduate school in the fall. I will be getting a double masters in Mental Health Counseling as well as School Counseling. This all came up in a mini-discussion with Andrew, my uber great boyfriend who sometimes talks sense into me, who suggested that I just enroll at Lee to which I replied, “they don’t have anything I want to study!” … immediately started eating words…

Anyway, I have been filling out the application and today I started writing my essay for my personal statement, and I started having revelations. I always said that I would love to work in a school, but I wasn’t quite cut out to teach… BAM school counseling. Affirmed. Then, I’ve always said I wanted to work with girls recovering from their rescue from being trafficked in the sex trade industry… BAM mental health counseling. Like, woah. How can two things that were straight in front of my face take me so long to recognize? The  more I think about it, the more and more confirmation I receive about this direction I’m taking.

So, I haven’t officially been accepted into the program, but I have high hopes. Monday, I am turning in most of my materials and hope to hear back within a week’s time. I’m still looking for a job, as I am going to work and go to school full-time (call me crazy, I know!). So, if you hear of anything that you think I would like (don’t be sendin’ me to no MACDONALDS!!), hit me up.

To anyone searching. He is near. His timing is perfect, and if you’re seeking His will, you will find it.

Today is my precious boyfriend’s 25th birthday. It has not been a good day. I’m telling you, personal stress can spill over into your relationship like SNAP! I’ve realized that communication is the key to a relationship, but even still you can miscommunicate yourself at times.

It was one of those situations that was like “what do you want to do for your birthday?” …. “oh, I really don’t care. I’ve never really celebrated birthdays and I don’t really wanna do anything.” So, I continue to ask, we throw around a couple of ideas but still nothing set, and on the day of his birthday (today), he expected me to have something planned because I was supposed to be able to “mind-read.” Wait… say what? Isn’t that what the girl is supposed to say? (babe, I know you’re reading this, and I’m totally not calling you a girl, but just merely explaining that I didn’t expect it.)

So, boy did I feel like a lousy girlfriend (and still do as we speak). However, the birthday cake is baking in the oven while Drew is golfing, so that’s why I’m blogging. Anyway, I started thinking about the expectations that we put on other people. We don’t say what we mean, we speak in code, and we expect others to decipher our unspoken language. Wouldn’t we all just be happier if we would just shoot ‘em straight?

It made me think of the conversations we have with God. Sure, He is all-knowing  and knows what you will say even before you will speak it, but doesn’t Philippians say that you should submit your requests to God? It’s so important that we speak straight with God. Forget the Christian jargon, spare yourself from the repetitious hallelujahs and glories, and just get real with your conversation with Jesus. Tell God what’s up in your life.  It will strengthen your relationship and your communication.

Happy birthday, Drew. I love you very much. Next year, I’ll plan something spectacular, because I’ll probably have a full-time job and be a serious breadwinner.

Why aren’t there any good dating devotional books out there? I can’t find a single good one, and I searched for over an hour at Barnes and Noble and Books a Million.

Aren’t there authors out there willing to help couples who legitimately want a  healthy, spiritual relationship? If anyone has any recommendations, let me know!

Reverse Culture Shock.

I didn’t know what to expect, but I was assured that I would encounter some form of it. I never forgot what America was like when I left it. I didn’t forget that gas is over $2.00, that our food is significantly more expensive than the Cambodian fruit stand, or that we have big malls with tons of stores (although I did flip out a little when I walked in Forever 21, but that was just sheer excitement). All those things didn’t shock me upon arriving. I’ve been mostly disturbed by one thing: the people. and more specifically, Christians.

When you withdraw yourself from a negative environment for half a year, you don’t recognize the affect it has on your life until you re-enter that environment. It purges the impure and plants seeds of good in your soul. I don’t want to re-assimilate to the American Christian’s habits. They are as un-Christian as you can get.

I’ve been shocked by people, some of my good friends even, who have a big problem with holding their tongues. They boast about the volunteer work they do with the poor, serve as leaders in the church, feel that they are intellectually more correct about “the way” and talk their way to the top with their peers. The problem with this, is that there is bad fruit in the  mix. Because out of the same body that commits himself/herself to these virtuous acts, gossip and hateful words flow from their tongues. Is it you? Maybe you’re sitting there justifying why you feel it’s “ok” to say the things you do because “you would say it to their face if they were standing in front of you”, but it doesn’t make it right. Even the little comments are unnecessary, harmful and definitely not a reflection of the words of Jesus.

It reminds me of the love chapter in Corinthians. It lists great and seemingly virtuous spiritual acts that a man can do, but it says because he is without love, everything he does lacks substance and meaning. I’ve been broken over people here and some of my friends because they have great intellectual minds, great hearts that desire to do good, and even a passion and fire for God, but they have been blinded to notice their own fallenness. My opinion of my friends is drastically shifting because of the lack of love weighed by their words. I’m no better than you. I stumble. I fall, but this is something that has caused my heart to break but my spirit to recognize. I’m trying to be more considerate with my words. To uplift and encourage rather than tear down and destroy.

I’m not going to ramble on any further, but I’m going to give you a list of scriptures so that it’s not me anymore. It’s the undeniable truth from the word of God. I challenge you to think about what you say. Is it helping or hindering? Even if you would say it to someone’s face, is it loving?

“Whoever desires to love life
and see good days,
let him keep his tongue from evil
and his lips from speaking deceit”

-1 Peter 3:10

“There is great power in the tongue, and it can minister either life or death.”

-Proverbs 18:21

“Bitter and sweet waters cannot come from the same well.”
-James 3:10-12

“By our words we shall be justified, and by our words we shall be condemned.”
-Matthew 12:36-37

“We are to be an example in speech (see 1 Timothy 4:12), even as Jesus Christ “did no sin, neither was guile found in His mouth: Who, when He was reviled, reviled not again …”
-1 Peter 2:21-23